The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Just like everyone else, I thought this would never be me. It always happens to someone else. The waiting has really been the hardest thing this week; the not knowing if it’s cancer or not. It’s crazy what your mind can come up with. Thinking about this thing inside you, growing… you can’t stop. It’s there, and it’s almost like you can feel it getting bigger.

I got up this morning very nervous about today. It was the feeling of wanting to know but not really wanting to know; not wanting any of this to be real. When we got to the cancer center, I went in first for a chest x-ray. It was nothing really; took all of about 30 seconds. Then it was up to see Dr. Nicholas. It is really amazing how nice everyone is there. We didn’t have to wait very long before the doctor came to the room. He started by showing Christy and me the MRI results from several weeks ago, and he showed us the “desmoid” tumor.

His words were that it’s not malignant cancer, but we are going to treat it as if it were cancer. He explained that even though it is benign, the tumor is highly aggressive. It can grow into muscle, bone, or anything around it. Looking at the MRI you can see what looks like little fingers coming off of the tumor. Some of the fingers are very close to my spine. At this time, it is very important to stop the tumor from growing. Prior to our visit today, Dr. Nicholas consulted with a team of doctors concerning my case. With their help we have come up with a plan of attack. We will start with Radiation Therapy. I will go in for treatment five days a week for five weeks. The hope is that this treatment will stop the tumor from getting any bigger and to stop (or ease) the pain. If not, we will have to look in to chemo and/or surgery.

Some of you may be asking why the doctors aren’t just going in and cutting out the tumor. The problem with that is the tumor is in the muscle, and the muscle around the tumor would have to be removed in order to remove the tumor. Muscle doesn’t grow back. This could limit the mobility and flexibility of my arm. The other thing is the fingers I was talking about. They would have to be completely removed or the tumor would grow back. Some of the fingers are so close to my spine, and there is a chance more damage could be done. They are so complex that the doctor doesn’t feel comfortable jumping in to surgery just yet.

So I think Christy said it best when she said “today was very bittersweet.” It feels good to know what it is and that it’s benign, but I don’t feel like we’re out of the woods yet. This is the start of a long road. This may sound dumb, but I am looking at this like a climbing route. It’s going to be a long hard climb, but I know I have all of my family and friends holding the other end of my rope. So even when I fall, they are always there to catch me. There is not chance I won’t make it to the top.